BRAZIL

It's been 5 years since I have stepped foot in the country I love so much. From 1993 until 2003 I traveled to Brazil almost twice a year. A total of 18 times. I have been to Manuas, Belo Horizonte, Barretos, Brasillia, Campina Grande, Ouro Preto, Curitiba, and Recife. I love the people, the food the culture. I want to go back so badly.

I have taken a speed canoe down the Amazon to where the Rio Negro and the Solimoes river come together to form the Amazon River.
I have seen the pink freshwater dolphins jumping as the two rivers flow side by side, not mixing for 8 miles. One is dark black tea colored. the other is muddy.
I have taken the excursion into the floating rain forests where I had to lift a canoe over a log jam, only afterward realizing that I had been in the same water as pirahna.
I have held a sloth and had a monkey stick his hand in my coconut (I gave him the rest!)
I have gone to an amazing sight in the forest where we swam in pools under 3 story raging waterfalls.
I have made friends that I treasure to this day.
I remember the faces of the homeless children and orphans that I wanted to bring home with me even when i was single. The school children that would hug us and hold our hands...running after our bus as we left.
I have snorkled in water off the most eastern point of South America.
I love the fact that the people of Brazil are so integrated. Race doesn't matter. I was the oddity, a very white girl with dark hair and light blues eyes. I knew enough portugese to know when I got on an elevator to understand they were talking about my blues eyes :)

I miss the food...Fruit that we have never seen here in the states. Odd ice cream flavors (corn, avocado and buttermilk to name a few) Pizza with boiled eggs, hamburgers with scrambled eggs, Fries with mayo, Fresh sugar cane squeezed as you watch, Coconuts sliced open with a machete then a straw stuck in. Restaurants where they bring you all kinds of meat on swords until you flip over your little GO sign to STOP. Whole fried fish with the heads AND EYES still on! I have eaten the world's largest rodent, a Capivara (NOT good)

I miss the history. Brazil is 500 years old. It has Opera Houses and churches that are older than the entire United States.

I miss the words. Hearing Portugese and being able to practise the langauge.

I miss Brazil. Period

Secondary Infertility

When we gave God control of our fertility 4 1/2 years ago, I was sure that would mean we would be dealing with having 4-6 kids....Which we were totally prepared for....wanted even.

I was told by a family member "You'll have 12 kids!" (not really possible at my age)

It seemed like we were moving in that direction. Nehemiah wasn't planned, then I got pregnant with TJ 3 months after Nehemiahs death. I breastfed TJ 8 months, weaned him and got my period back....got pregnant 2 months later. One cousin called me "Fertile Mrytle" I thought I would be having #3 (4 counting Nehemiah) this year.

My doctor doesn't know why, but I am not ovulating. It isnt Menopause...he has tested my hormone level.

There isn't much compassion when you already have 2 kids. "You already have 2 healthy sons....you need to be happy....many can't have one" and I know that. I LOVE my sons. It is because I love them so much that I want more. I ache for more children. At the dinner table I look around and it feels like someone/ones are missing.

I don't even have to give birth to more children. When my 15 year old niece was pregnant with her son, Charlie mentioned us adopting him. I would love to adopt a baby girl from Brazil. I have seen the homeless children and orphans of Brazil. I have cried seeing them beg for food.

I have always said that I couldn't foster/adopt because I couldn't imagine having a child that I wanted to adopt be taken away. God may be preparing my heart to do that.
It seems like foster/adopt may be our only option. Regular adoption cost from $20,000-$30,000. Foster/Adopt can cost as little as $5,000. Right now you can get tax credit for adopting.

Back to trusting God....is he allowing this period of inferilty to confirm that our child is out there and needs to be adopted? Charlie and I have talked about adoption from the moment we started dating. Maybe this is the only way we would do it.

Is God gving me time between children because having 3 under 4 would be too hard? I have struggled with thinking that I am not a good mom and that is why He is not trusting me with more kids.

Am I looking for children to fill the void only God can fill? Why am I consumed with the desire for more children?

This is a road I never considerd having to travel. Yet, I never considerd having to deal with miscarriage. We survived and grew stronger as a couple because of that trial.
I pray we do the same. "Man makes plans, but God directs his path" I don't like the path I am on at the moment....but I trust Him.