Life in perspective
I had a scare yesterday. The doctor told me I might have a blood clot. That it could dislodge at any moment and I would be with Jesus (his words were "you will drop dead")
It's interesting what you think of when you realize you might die.
1. I don't want to leave my boys, or Charlie
2. I DO NOT want to be buried in Cochran Georgia!
3. I hope Charlie would remarry.
4. I want to see my boys grow up
5. Can they make you look thin in a casket? (really)
6. So much more went through my head......too much to write here

So this morning I had a Deep Vein Ultrasound. I have had ultrasounds before. Some were great....when I was pregnant with TJ and Ben. Some were emotional torture, When we lost Nehemiah........this one however was PAINFUL....hurt like the dickens. I cried the whole time they did it.
So........they let me leave which I have to think means there was no blood clot. I don't think they would let me out of the hospital walking around with a clot in my leg.

But it has given me perspective.

Life needs to be LIVED

Where I am

These last few days have been very hard. I am in a spiritual struggle. Do I trust God? Why don't I trust God? Why am I so depressed?

I may have issues with my fertility. Or, I may be worrying without cause.
My periods were ALWAYS normal before the boys. Course, since Feb 05 I have only had 6. I got pregnant in March with Nehemiah, lost him in May. Had 2 periods, got pregnant with TJ, then breastfed 8 months, had 2 periods and got pregnant with Ben.
I stopped breastfeeding in November. Got my period on Jan 1st and then on Feb 6th (36 days) and then haven't had one since. I am on day 46....and I am worried. (i have tested twice and I am not pregnant )
Worried that I will never have another child.
It would be so frustrating to me if we didn't have more kids. We are the ONLY ones in both families that would LOVE to have lots of kids and we may be the only ones who only have 2.
But trusting God for the size of our family means trusting him even if it is small.
I feel guilty....I have so many family and friends who would love to have just ONE child and can't have one. I have 2 and I am whining.
Mine and Charlie's dream was always to have 4......now I don't know if that dream will come true.

Happy Homemaker?

Don't get me wrong....I love being at home with my boys. But I am a horrible housewife.....as evidenced by how much I stay on the computer. It is my outlet, my connection to other human beings that are over 3 years old.
I want to be a good mom. Which (in addition to other things)means having a reasonably organized home, which I DO NOT have at the moment.
I REALLY hate cleaning...with a passion. I just joined an online organizing group and follow the blog...I will let you know how it all goes.
I see my "job" as raising our children and keeping house.....ONE out of 2 ain't bad.....but it could be better!

Quiverful or Natural Family Planner?

The other day in a discussion group, I was challenged over the fact of whether I was truly Quiverful.....for those who don't know what that means, it is basically the belief in accepting as many children as God will give you.
The person in question said I wasn't REALLY trusting God, cause Charlie and I were trying to have another baby. We are charting.
I don't know whether we are or not. Haven't decided.
We decided to trust God with our fertility after we lost Nehemiah. We don't want to use any chemical birth control that might cause a fertilized egg not to implant.
We actually HOPE to have 4 kids and would be fine with 6......at my age, 4 will be a blessing.

Anyway....still don't know what we are

My Loves. As you can see my prayers for more children has been answered. Benjamin Martin was born December 21, 2007.

It is interesting to me that it is easier for me to write my beliefs and musings than it is for me to speak them. Is it my personality? Or is it a product of the seclusion that our society fosters?
My words seem to trip me up. I articulate better in the written form.

Ok, It has been TWO YEARS since I last posted.....I swear I won't wait that long again! I have been reading other blogs and I am really encouraged to start back writing. I may transfer some of my blogs from Myspace here. We'll see. I am excited!