Life in the fat lane

Story of my life. I have always been fat . Or at least bigger than those around me.
Except when I was born. I was the third child of a teacher and a steelworker. A girl.....an unexpected girl. They had two boys. My fathers sister had two boys....his brother had 1 (with another to come 3 years after me) Both boys had been large...9 pounds and 10 pounds.
Then here I came in at 7 pounds...a little girl. My brothers called me runt...for a while.
I began to gain weight. By Kindergarten I was bigger than all of the girls and most of the boys. In First grade little J**** kissed every girl under the table but me. Was it because I was the principals daughter, or was it because I was fat?
I remember a family member letting my cousins (who were thin) have ice cream but told me that I was to fat and didn't need ice cream.
When I entered Jr High (7th grade) I was fat, had glasses a very bad perm and braces. One of my best friends from Elementary school stopped hanging around me....She was a cheerleader. I found out later that another friend had heard one of the other cheerleaders tell her that " Cheerleaders don't have fat friends"
I had a "boyfriend" when I was 15....he saw my picture in his friends annual and started calling me (I take good pictures) We talked for a month. I sent him Canoe cologne for Christmas We were going to meet at the Christmas parade.I dressed up......He never showed. I think he saw me and realized how fat I was. He broke up with me the next day.
I never had clothes as a teen that I liked. I had to wear clothing from the womens department. When my clothing was lost on a train trip I had to wear my aunts clothes.
I had a another family member take me aside and tell me that "No man will ever want you if you are fat" That seemed to be true. I went on one date in High School. I had many guy friends, but all thought I was "like a sister" I believe many just were friends with me to be near my cousins (they were thin and pretty) My prom date was my cousins boyfriend.
I dated a guy for 3 weeks before College. I wasn't really interested...except that he was interested in me. He was 28, I was 18. I knew he wasn't "the one" but he made me feel attractive....some one at last was interested in me.......We stopped talking once I was in college.
While I was in college I lost weight. I exercised 4 hours a day. I got down to a size 14....the lowest I had been or have ever been. I still didn't "fit in". i could buy normal clothing and even bought some bras from Victoria Secret. I dated another guy.....but again not because I was interested in him.....he was in the Army, had a deep voice, and pursued me....but it still wasnt right.
It was 12 years before I met charlie....in that time I gained most of the weight back. Part of me is glad he didn't fall in love with me when I was thin. I would have had fear of him leaving me if I gained weight......but I know he loves me for me. He thinks I am beautiful but I know his love is not superficial.
I weigh more now than I ever have. I think part of my problem losing weight in the past is that it hasn't given me health problems. But now I am having knee problems.
I want to lose weight for many reasons. I feel out of place at art gatherings....I am not one of the "pretty" ones. I don't want my children ever to be ashamed of me.. I don't want to be the "fat mom" I want to be a good godly example to them.....My recent fertility may be connected to my weight....I might not be able to have more kids because of my on sin....

I don't know why I am writing this. I just want to be healthy. I want to buy normal clothes that are in fashion. I want to not have to get an extension belt when I fly. If I fly alone I do not want the looks of others saying "please don't sit by me"

I want to get out of the fat lane.

Broken mold

I don't fit the mold in so many ways. People look at me and get an impression......most of the time wrong.
I am an artist's wife...therefore I must be an artist. Nope. I did a watercolor of a Coca cola bottle in 8th grade. It hangs in our kitchen. My only endeavor.
I am fat so I must eat junk food all day...no. I do eat unhealthy food. But my favorite food is sushi and fresh fruits and veggies and good dark bread. I love water....I actually love it.
I am a stay-at-home-mom. I must love cleaning...uh noooooo big no.
I am a Born-again-Christian so I must......oh fill in the blank with that one.
I feel like such an oxymoron on that one. I am truly too conservative for liberals and too liberal for conservatives.
I have a few drinks about once every few months which makes me sinful in some eyes. I believe getting drunk IS a sin which makes me judgmental to others.
I believe God has called Charlie and I to not use birth control and accept as many children as God gives us. That causes issues for both sides. I don't believe everyone is called to do that....but I believe we are ( Charlie also agrees)
I believe in being a submissive wife.
I want a tattoo. I would love to have one that includes all my kids, including Nehemiah.
Broken molds are good......the leak their contents.....Hopefully I do that in a good way.

A Door opens

I was just thinking what affect the sound of the door opening has on me and my boys.
I sit at the computer as TJ , Ben and Tj's friend Easton have a dinner of hotdog, crackers and apples . The door sounds like it is opening.....My heart jumps "Is Charlie Home?" I am disappointed when I realize it is only the wind . The door had not completely shut when we came in from our bubble blowing and sand box adventure.
I hope I always have that eager anticipation when Charlie enters the house.
I love our boys reaction when Charlie walks in the house......TJ rooms to meet him yelling "Daddy's home, Daddy's home!" Ben even bounces up and down with excitement. They love their Daddy (or Poppop as Ben has begun calling Charlie) TJ begins to take the pens, pencils and phone out of Charlie's pockets. He tries to untie Charlie's shoes. He knows that if Charlie's pockets are empty and his shoes are off, he is home to stay.
Someday Ben and TJ will not run to the door with excitement.....Someday TJ will not wrap his arms around my neck, kiss me and tell me "Mom, your my best friend".....but Someday can wait.