Life in the fat lane

Story of my life. I have always been fat . Or at least bigger than those around me.
Except when I was born. I was the third child of a teacher and a steelworker. A girl.....an unexpected girl. They had two boys. My fathers sister had two boys....his brother had 1 (with another to come 3 years after me) Both boys had been large...9 pounds and 10 pounds.
Then here I came in at 7 pounds...a little girl. My brothers called me runt...for a while.
I began to gain weight. By Kindergarten I was bigger than all of the girls and most of the boys. In First grade little J**** kissed every girl under the table but me. Was it because I was the principals daughter, or was it because I was fat?
I remember a family member letting my cousins (who were thin) have ice cream but told me that I was to fat and didn't need ice cream.
When I entered Jr High (7th grade) I was fat, had glasses a very bad perm and braces. One of my best friends from Elementary school stopped hanging around me....She was a cheerleader. I found out later that another friend had heard one of the other cheerleaders tell her that " Cheerleaders don't have fat friends"
I had a "boyfriend" when I was 15....he saw my picture in his friends annual and started calling me (I take good pictures) We talked for a month. I sent him Canoe cologne for Christmas We were going to meet at the Christmas parade.I dressed up......He never showed. I think he saw me and realized how fat I was. He broke up with me the next day.
I never had clothes as a teen that I liked. I had to wear clothing from the womens department. When my clothing was lost on a train trip I had to wear my aunts clothes.
I had a another family member take me aside and tell me that "No man will ever want you if you are fat" That seemed to be true. I went on one date in High School. I had many guy friends, but all thought I was "like a sister" I believe many just were friends with me to be near my cousins (they were thin and pretty) My prom date was my cousins boyfriend.
I dated a guy for 3 weeks before College. I wasn't really interested...except that he was interested in me. He was 28, I was 18. I knew he wasn't "the one" but he made me feel attractive....some one at last was interested in me.......We stopped talking once I was in college.
While I was in college I lost weight. I exercised 4 hours a day. I got down to a size 14....the lowest I had been or have ever been. I still didn't "fit in". i could buy normal clothing and even bought some bras from Victoria Secret. I dated another guy.....but again not because I was interested in him.....he was in the Army, had a deep voice, and pursued me....but it still wasnt right.
It was 12 years before I met charlie....in that time I gained most of the weight back. Part of me is glad he didn't fall in love with me when I was thin. I would have had fear of him leaving me if I gained weight......but I know he loves me for me. He thinks I am beautiful but I know his love is not superficial.
I weigh more now than I ever have. I think part of my problem losing weight in the past is that it hasn't given me health problems. But now I am having knee problems.
I want to lose weight for many reasons. I feel out of place at art gatherings....I am not one of the "pretty" ones. I don't want my children ever to be ashamed of me.. I don't want to be the "fat mom" I want to be a good godly example to them.....My recent fertility may be connected to my weight....I might not be able to have more kids because of my on sin....

I don't know why I am writing this. I just want to be healthy. I want to buy normal clothes that are in fashion. I want to not have to get an extension belt when I fly. If I fly alone I do not want the looks of others saying "please don't sit by me"

I want to get out of the fat lane.