Secondary Infertility

When we gave God control of our fertility 4 1/2 years ago, I was sure that would mean we would be dealing with having 4-6 kids....Which we were totally prepared for....wanted even.

I was told by a family member "You'll have 12 kids!" (not really possible at my age)

It seemed like we were moving in that direction. Nehemiah wasn't planned, then I got pregnant with TJ 3 months after Nehemiahs death. I breastfed TJ 8 months, weaned him and got my period back....got pregnant 2 months later. One cousin called me "Fertile Mrytle" I thought I would be having #3 (4 counting Nehemiah) this year.

My doctor doesn't know why, but I am not ovulating. It isnt Menopause...he has tested my hormone level.

There isn't much compassion when you already have 2 kids. "You already have 2 healthy sons....you need to be happy....many can't have one" and I know that. I LOVE my sons. It is because I love them so much that I want more. I ache for more children. At the dinner table I look around and it feels like someone/ones are missing.

I don't even have to give birth to more children. When my 15 year old niece was pregnant with her son, Charlie mentioned us adopting him. I would love to adopt a baby girl from Brazil. I have seen the homeless children and orphans of Brazil. I have cried seeing them beg for food.

I have always said that I couldn't foster/adopt because I couldn't imagine having a child that I wanted to adopt be taken away. God may be preparing my heart to do that.
It seems like foster/adopt may be our only option. Regular adoption cost from $20,000-$30,000. Foster/Adopt can cost as little as $5,000. Right now you can get tax credit for adopting.

Back to trusting God....is he allowing this period of inferilty to confirm that our child is out there and needs to be adopted? Charlie and I have talked about adoption from the moment we started dating. Maybe this is the only way we would do it.

Is God gving me time between children because having 3 under 4 would be too hard? I have struggled with thinking that I am not a good mom and that is why He is not trusting me with more kids.

Am I looking for children to fill the void only God can fill? Why am I consumed with the desire for more children?

This is a road I never considerd having to travel. Yet, I never considerd having to deal with miscarriage. We survived and grew stronger as a couple because of that trial.
I pray we do the same. "Man makes plans, but God directs his path" I don't like the path I am on at the moment....but I trust Him.